57 Channels & Nothing On

This is an older diatribe I once had out on Facebook. I'm re-posting it because I loathe bell Canada, and all the negative traffic I can generate soothes my soul. This week's issues are with e-mail access. Variation on a theme of 'same shit, different day'.

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I am not a TV Hound. I do not spend every waking minute watching the regularly scheduled drivel that streams through my satellite dish. Yes, I have 800 available channels, but everyone knows that 75% of them are simply the same channels, repeated in different time zones or re-branded on affiliate networks.  The poet Bruce Springsteen once wrote a song, that in its quaint yet prophetic 1992 sentiment, captured most satellite subscribers angst..

Man came by to hook up my cable TV
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched 'round and 'round 'til half-past dawn
There was fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

Well now home entertainment was my baby's wish
So I hopped into town for a satellite dish
I tied it to the top of my Japanese car
I came home and I pointed it out into the stars
A message came back from the great beyond
There's fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

So, my baby tells me that the Satellite is down, again, and while that’s fairly typical when the weather is inclement, it hasn’t been raining, and it isn’t even windy.

Ladies and gentleman, the first satellite was Sputnik 1, launched by the Soviets on Oct 4 1957. So, while I am generally a semi-patient man, by my calculations, we have had OVER FIFTY FUCKING YEARS of research and development time to try and design a system that isn’t hampered by drizzle.

Nevertheless, I am a slave to the Bell TV Machine, for while I loathe all telecommunication companies, the concept of having nobody to call when things break, is more loathsome. So I pickup the phone – which miraculously works – and dial the 1-800-Sky Dish number. I am on hold for over 30 minutes, told ten times in repeating 3 minute intervals that my call is important, but that all representatives are serving other customers.

Holy shit, either there are a lot of people without satellite service today, or they are two customers in all of Canada calling in on a Saturday morning, and only one lonely operator manning the phones. I’m pretty sure its scenario number two.

And, like some bad cliché, I am eventually connected to a woman with a pleasant Bombay-bounce in her voice. Yes sports fans, I am connected to the one person who is actually geographically farthest from my home, perhaps even farther than the damn satellite itself.

And naturally, when I mention I’ve been on hold for over half an hour, she seems at first surprised, but quickly pulls up the handy  ‘dealing with poor wait times’ icon on her computer screen, and feeds me the generic ‘sometimes, sir, we have a high volume of yada fucking yada yada’ speech.

And why is it that when you complain about something, the agent automatically insert the ‘sir’ into the reply? This invariably creates a subtle yet palpable presence of condescension, which really sets the tone nicely for the next infuriating hour of interaction. “We are sorry you ‘feel’ as if you are being treated like livestock, sir, but….”

And why is it that before you can even be placed in the rat-maze of telephone prompts, you are asked to punch-in your phone number? I ask this question, because after you are finally connected to a human being, the first question they ask you, is (wait for it) yes, what is your phone number please??? Again dear reader, I ask you – FIFTY FUCKING YEARS OF RESEARCH – and did they simply lose the scrap piece of paper that someone in India scribbled my stuff down on?

So the ‘technical support agent’ 11,000 miles away simply will not adjust her $12 headset so I can hear her voice. And what makes matters worse, is every time she asks me to power down and up the receiver unit, it induces a deafening hum on the phone line – which is par for the course because (wait for it) yes, Bell Canada also controls my telephone lines. 

When she is sure nothing she can do will help me, she asks for my e-mail address – which is quite maddening because (yes, you have already guessed) Bell Canada also controls my Internet access, and they HAVE ALL MY GOD-DAMN CLIENT INFO ALREADY.

I am screaming my internet address over the hum, as apparently she is going to send me some ‘helpful tips’ for future use.

Future use? How about anything that will help right fucking now?

Why send tips when you havent actually solved the problem?

I am then informed that the satellite is no longer in alignment and that I need a service tech to come to the house.

It’ll cost me $75, no matter what the problem.

I ask how they can charge me if they don’t know what the issue is, and this really stymies her. She then tells me not to worry, for I don’t have to give the technician any money. Well swell, I’m happy now. Instead of handing 75 bucks to a monkey with an extension ladder and a pair of pliers, I get to have the charge added to my monthly bill. Yes, I concede, that’s good reason not to worry.

Naturally nobody is available to come to my house soon, 3 business days is the best she can do. When I ask for an evening appointment, for I have to earn a living to be able to continue to pay $300 a month for home telecommunications (which don’t work, I add) there are no evening appointments available in this calendar month. Big Surprise there.

So I begrudgingly agree to taking off an entire morning of work to see if they can fix what I have already paid for. Given the timeframes are the typical ‘anytime between 8AM and Noon’ booking, they will undoubtedly arrive at 12:30, and stay till 2, effectively erasing a days worth of productivity, and $75 from my bank account.

The icing on the cake, is that she asks me to rate her service on a scale of 1 to 10, before I hang up. I simply tell her to give herself a ‘10’  unless of course she’s the one who has been up on my roof with a sledgehammer.

I’m shaking with rage as I hang up the phone, but am really, really happy to have received my ‘Top Ten Satellite Tips’ e-mail message, which is about as helpful as a Lifeboat Primer for all Titanic Passengers. I decide to pen a quick reply to the Senior Customer Service Manager answering the ‘was this e-mail helpful?’ question….

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Lets see if we can understand one another.

I call your call centre because I have no satellite sig

nal, and therefore no mechanism to watch the TV’s in my home

After the tech advised me to disconnect wires, reboot, and otherwise manipulate the system to no avail, I am told I will be receiving a ‘helpful tips’ e-mail.

Let’s be clear - Said e-mail was sent AFTER the technician knew there was no resolution to the problem, and BEFORE the technician (3 days from now) will apparently fix the dish.

I will soon be billed $75 for a problem that hasn’t yet even been determined – to align a dish I PAID YOU to professionally install.

Here’s a helpful ‘tip’ for you - when I am billed that ‘non-negotiable $75’ to ‘re-align’ a dish you should have ensured was placed securely - I will be canceling the $290 a month I pay for all the service into my home, and finding someone else to gouge me and my family.

Charging customers a fee to rectify problems that have no root-cause with the customer, is tantamount to extortion.

Far worse however than all the above, is the fact that I know nobody will act upon the above message, or even read it.

Shame on you all.

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I’ll let y’all know how things go, but if my interaction so far is any indication, I’ll be taking Mr. Springsteen’s advice soon, but I’ll spare the TV, punt the satellite onto the neighbours roof….

So I bought a .44 magnum it was solid steel cast
And in the blessed name of Elvis well I just let it blast
'Til my TV lay in pieces there at my feet
And they busted me for disturbin' the almighty peace
Judge said "What you got in your defense son?"

"Fifty-seven channels and nothin' on"