Thanks Levon

One of the greatest gifts fantastic music bestows upon the listener is indelible memories. Memories are somehow intertwined with the very best of composition and song, and forms a bond with our past that is unbreakable. When I had learned that Levon Helm, the drummer and sometimes vocalist of the all Canadian group ‘The Band’ had died, a specific song came to mind. That song is associated with one of the greatest evenings I have ever shared with friends.

Way back when I first flew from the warmth and shelter of my parent’s home in Ottawa, my brother Edge and I moved into a huge 4 bedroom rental in Vanier, with some of my closest friends. (Those who are not privileged enough to know my brother well, call him by his given name, David.)

Back then I toiled as an audio-visual technician, and had access to much in the way of sound and lighting gear. One Friday night, on a lark, I hauled home a 12 channel mixer, some camera gear and a few microphones. On the second floor of that house there was a large room that had – of all things – a hot-tub, as well as a full bathroom and lots of space to gather with friends. The house on Presland Avenue became a drop-in centre for anyone looking for a place to hang out on the weekend, and there was always beer in the fridges and plenty of great music to listen to. I have to concede that my brother was usually the DJ, which restricted the amount of bad 80’s music that I was fond of spinning. That drafty house was in essence, a Party Palace.

My friends and I setup all the equipment which put a strain on the homes aging electrical panel. The lights would flicker and pulse to the music as the amps were pushed to their limits. As the beverages flowed, and friends dropped by for the usual Friday night revelry, the brave few would grab a microphone, and sing along to whatever we were blasting on the stereo. This odd ‘technology-heavy karaoke party’ eventually evolved (devolved?) into a structure of sorts, and it was decided we would all attempt to give the The Band’s ‘The Weight’ our own musical stylings. The song has many parts that can be sung by individual vocalists, and we handed out hastily scrawled lyric sheets, Edge played guitar, and we did our best to butcher one of the greatest songs ever written.

The master-tapes of that evening still exist, but in truth the memory is far sweeter than the 'music' we made that day. Dozens of takes, with beer spewing from peoples nostrils as we chocked on laughter that bordered on hysterics..to this day I cannot hear Levon’s voice on the radio without smiling.

Thanks Levon.

Frustrated by the Labels

Below is an e-mail that I sent to H&M Clothiers. It describes my problem with a specific product I recently purchased.

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Dear Executives at H&M (responsible for design and marketing of the ‘David Beckham Brief’)

I don’t consider myself to be a picky guy. I’d call it ‘selectively particular’. However, after years of searching for a decent pair of briefs, I happened across your product, the David Beckham Bodywear for H&M.

Imagine my anticipation, as I note that you have the dimensions perfect, the waistband is just the right width..the fabric doesn’t feel like the Wal-Mart 6-pack for $10 crap. My wife even loves the packaging (I think she put Beck’s underpants-shot in our anniversary picture frame). Can you even fathom that an average consumer is actually willing to pay close to $20 for ONE PAIR of briefs, and if they fit right, that sucker of a consumer wouldn’t even complain about it?

 Take a bow folks, that’s pretty amazing.

Now imagine that same consumer’s face when he discovers not one, not two, not three, but FIVE labels sewn right into the garment. There is no damn way anyone can bear that many labels rubbing into and against their nether-regions. So that same sucker-consumer has to now carefully cut out all the labels, because he is committed..he has tried the briefs on. If he has even a shred of decency, he ain’t gonna package it all up and pretend the return item is the wrong colour. He has to find a damn sewing kit, and somehow carefully remove something in the neighborhood of 1000 stitches to rid himself of these chaff  inducing taggers.

Really, people. Even the Wal-Mart crap-packagers have figured out how to PRINT the necessary information on the fabric. Is it really so tough? There ain’t no way it’s cheaper to have the machines sew in THAT many labels – and WHY SO MANY? Why can’t you simply include the washing instructions on the damn package – in all seven languages - if you must.

Hold the consumer accountable! Don’t assume the average man is so sloth-like stupid that he can’t figure out how to wash underpants! 

And why does it even really matter?? 

You are speaking to the same gender that generally holds onto underwear longer than most keep their luggage. The only way we say goodbye to loyal briefs is when the waistband actually detaches from the rest of the garment, and even then we may pause and ponder other options.

I am sorry folks, but if I take into consideration the time it takes me to forcibly pry the labels out of the briefs, and add the $20 I paid to H&M, I am taking a horrible loss on this arrangement.

Please, lose the labels. If you do, I’ll start my own internet campaign of love, about the customer service at H&M and the crotch-cradling effectiveness of the Beckham Briefs.

Thanks for listening.

Signed,

Enough with the Damn Labels Already

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Unbelievably, just hours after sending this e-mail, I got a RESPONSE from H&M! 
here it is...
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Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2012 20:48:25 +0000

Subject: RE: From HM.com: Dear Executives at H&M (responsible for design and market...

Hi Mark,

Thank you for taking the time to write us here at H&M regarding your experience with the briefs from our David Beckham Bodywear Collection.

We have passed your e-mail along to our Quality and Control Department in Sweden seeing as this is where all design decisions are made. If there is any further follow up with this particular garment, we will be sure to contact you.

Best regards,

Kaitlyn

H&M Canada

Date: Wed, 18 Apr 2012 02:30:48 +0000

Subject: Re: From HM.com: Dear Executives at H&M (responsible for design and market...

I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed that you responded. I am even more impressed that the folks in Sweden will be sitting at a boardroom table, chatting about the Canadian aversion to label-chaffing.

As a thank-you gesture, I have 'liked' H&M on Facebook.

Thank you Kaitlyn,
You made my day.

Sent wirelessly from my semi-reliable BlackBerry device


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We hosted a party the other night at our place, and one of our friends brought this for me as a gift. It was most appreciated, as I had lost my seam-puller. Thanks L+D!!