Yes, its official. After many months of speculation at the rumour-mill (formerly known as my ex-job) I am no longer shackled by the bonds of gainful employment.
I actually penned this back in late July when I was 'downsized' but seeing as how I have neglected this blog for a year now, maybe its time to get back on the keyboard.
Well, I'm not sure what the other downsized masses busied themselves with, but I feel compelled to let you know how Day One After 'D' Day, went* (Check out this horoscope for the day I got canned…hilarious.)
*The 'D' is for...downsized. And as my lovely Right Management rep was quick to remind me - about 5 times - What happened to you is not 'canned' 'fired' or vaporized. You were not 'turfed' Mark....
DAY ONE
6AM
Why is it so fucking hard to simply sleep in? Its not like my brain knows I got anything of merit to work on today, you'd think she'd give me a damn break.
I note that I really didn't want to read the Careers section of Globe. I should mention that the Careers section does not ONLY include the job-ads, but usually some pithy little nugget that deals with employees, management in general, and lots of helpful coping skills for the beleaguered middle manager. Given that I am no longer a middle manager, I concentrated on the Food Section instead. Then the LCBO flyer. Hmm, tea flavoured beer.
9AM
After leisurely walking Zack to daycare, I packed my bicycle into the tailgate of the truck, for I need to get brakes done. I figured I'd take the 10 KM scenic route back to the house from the shop, and await the damage report on the cost of the work. I just recently met said owner/operator of Dan's Auto repair at the Horsey Ranch where Maddy runs her thoroughbred. Finally, after couple decades of driving, I have a mechanic I can trust.
11AM
Holy shit 10 km's is a long way to bike. I have to admit, I was wonderin
g about three specific scenarios:
1) Heart attack - with that whole blood clot thingy, it was possible the sausage I had the other night might clog that artery like a bullfrog in a garden hose, and I would careen into a ditch, only to be found by the weed-whacker city workers.
2) If I was conscious, but semi-mobile on the side of the road, I would have no way to contact any loved ones, for my blackberry was sitting in my (former) Human Resources Rep's glove compartment.
3) Even if someone found me, and asked me who to call, I was acutely aware that I had not committed ANYBODY'S phone numbers to memory - not even Maddy's office, for I have become completely dependant on speed dial.
Noon
With all this biking, I really couldn't plough into a quadruple Big Mac, so I had some tuna for lunch instead. I quietly thanked my lucky stars that I remembered to put sunscreen on the back of my neck before heading out on my bike pilgrimage. I have heard my Blackberry vibrating at least 8 times since I woke up, and like being dead-certain your recently deceased pet is sitting right there next to you, I am fairly confident my mind is becoming unraveled.
2PM
Laundry. Yes, I aint proud. I did the darks, and hung ‘em up on the line, cuz David Suzuki says it'll save the planet
3PM
Drove garden new stakes for the tomato plants, which seem to be on steroids. Holy shit its a good thing I love tomatoes, we are gonna have a few.
4PM
Time to get the truck. Apparently it doesnt need brakes, but (shockingly!) the dealership (where I used to go) was billing KIA for replacement parts they never actually replaced. I am so glad that I worked so diligently on my (since relinquished) laptop, while waiting for these crooks to get the fucking thing down from the hoist, when all they were doing was apparently, wasting my time. Lovely.
5PM
OK, that ride damn near killed me, but I had to get there, for I promised Zach a Slushie on the way home form daycare. On the way I stop on the 401 overpass and marvel at the crap-storm of automotive hell I would otherwise be navigating. I am acutely aware I have a shit eating grin on my face.
Slushie, cucumber and tomato sandwich, and the family is off to soccer practice. Why the fuck aint this coach actually providing any skill-building?! (easy Mark, you aint a middle manager anymore...sip your Pepsi and shut up, man)
8PM
I call my mother and tell her I was canned. She says that my old firm is doomed, but she didn't wanna say anything while I worked there. Apparently they are always a step behind the competition. Who knew? She tells me not to worry about those who are left behind, because the good ones will get jobs with whoever swallows them up, when the place eventually folds. She is pleased with my head-space, and recommends I enjoy the summer cuz her recruiter friends says nothing is happening right now anyway. Good advice mom.
DAY ONE
6AM
Why is it so fucking hard to simply sleep in? Its not like my brain knows I got anything of merit to work on today, you'd think she'd give me a damn break.
I note that I really didn't want to read the Careers section of Globe. I should mention that the Careers section does not ONLY include the job-ads, but usually some pithy little nugget that deals with employees, management in general, and lots of helpful coping skills for the beleaguered middle manager. Given that I am no longer a middle manager, I concentrated on the Food Section instead. Then the LCBO flyer. Hmm, tea flavoured beer.
9AM
After leisurely walking Zack to daycare, I packed my bicycle into the tailgate of the truck, for I need to get brakes done. I figured I'd take the 10 KM scenic route back to the house from the shop, and await the damage report on the cost of the work. I just recently met said owner/operator of Dan's Auto repair at the Horsey Ranch where Maddy runs her thoroughbred. Finally, after couple decades of driving, I have a mechanic I can trust.
11AM
Holy shit 10 km's is a long way to bike. I have to admit, I was wonderin
g about three specific scenarios:1) Heart attack - with that whole blood clot thingy, it was possible the sausage I had the other night might clog that artery like a bullfrog in a garden hose, and I would careen into a ditch, only to be found by the weed-whacker city workers.
2) If I was conscious, but semi-mobile on the side of the road, I would have no way to contact any loved ones, for my blackberry was sitting in my (former) Human Resources Rep's glove compartment.
3) Even if someone found me, and asked me who to call, I was acutely aware that I had not committed ANYBODY'S phone numbers to memory - not even Maddy's office, for I have become completely dependant on speed dial.
Noon
With all this biking, I really couldn't plough into a quadruple Big Mac, so I had some tuna for lunch instead. I quietly thanked my lucky stars that I remembered to put sunscreen on the back of my neck before heading out on my bike pilgrimage. I have heard my Blackberry vibrating at least 8 times since I woke up, and like being dead-certain your recently deceased pet is sitting right there next to you, I am fairly confident my mind is becoming unraveled.
2PM
Laundry. Yes, I aint proud. I did the darks, and hung ‘em up on the line, cuz David Suzuki says it'll save the planet
3PM
Drove garden new stakes for the tomato plants, which seem to be on steroids. Holy shit its a good thing I love tomatoes, we are gonna have a few.
4PM
Time to get the truck. Apparently it doesnt need brakes, but (shockingly!) the dealership (where I used to go) was billing KIA for replacement parts they never actually replaced. I am so glad that I worked so diligently on my (since relinquished) laptop, while waiting for these crooks to get the fucking thing down from the hoist, when all they were doing was apparently, wasting my time. Lovely.
5PM
OK, that ride damn near killed me, but I had to get there, for I promised Zach a Slushie on the way home form daycare. On the way I stop on the 401 overpass and marvel at the crap-storm of automotive hell I would otherwise be navigating. I am acutely aware I have a shit eating grin on my face.
Slushie, cucumber and tomato sandwich, and the family is off to soccer practice. Why the fuck aint this coach actually providing any skill-building?! (easy Mark, you aint a middle manager anymore...sip your Pepsi and shut up, man)
8PM
I call my mother and tell her I was canned. She says that my old firm is doomed, but she didn't wanna say anything while I worked there. Apparently they are always a step behind the competition. Who knew? She tells me not to worry about those who are left behind, because the good ones will get jobs with whoever swallows them up, when the place eventually folds. She is pleased with my head-space, and recommends I enjoy the summer cuz her recruiter friends says nothing is happening right now anyway. Good advice mom.
9PM
As I play Call of Duty 3 on the enormo-screen in the basement (an amazingly therapeutic video game..as long as you mentally substitute all the Nazis for meek Human Resource Reps) I suddenly realize I need to let you both know how Day One went!
DAY TWO
4AM
Now I won’t sugar-coat this – I can hold my liquor. I wouldn’t exactly call it a skill-set, but its been really handy watching the casual drinkers around me tumble & fall, while I revel in 100% recall, and only marginal hangovers the morning after. So imagine my surprise when a single bottle of rose wine had me fumbling for the 500 mg Tylenols. Heed the label on this vino – stay away! She looks timid, but she is a fiendish woman!
9AM
Because I am unemployed now there seems little reason to force zack into bed while the sun still lingers on the horizon. So we now can stay up late, listen to music, and play with his fully automatic Nerf Machine Gun. This means he inevitably sleeps in, and I read the paper w a coffee. We bike to daycare after blueberry waffles, sporting big grins.
10AM
Holy fuck I’m doing laundry again!
Here’s how I see it though – I’m home, Maddy aint. If I plough through all the chores during the week, we have all sorts of extra time on the weekend for whatever we want to do.
I’m seriously considering cleaning the house myself, and Downsizing the Maids.
11AM
The neighbour’s four year old kid is a damn delinquent. When he isn’t throwing barbeque utensils over the fence into our pool, he is spinning all the pool heater dials on the side of our house. Like some crack-head captain of the Starship Enterprise, he will eventually figure out how to turn on the heater. His next stop will be the burn ward at Ajax Pickering Hospital. And then deadbeat-parents of Ricky, sue me into oblivion. Little Ricky is real close to being buried next to Bluey in our garden.
So I need to build a damn fence to keep said deliquent safe. Swell. Hey, at least this Home-Depot run wont be for another goddamn office fridge and double-sided tape for work related projects that don't matter anymore.
5PM
Shit. that took longer than expected. The toughest part was getting the eight foot lattice from the Home Depot to the house. I had some bungee cord in the truck, but ended up lashing some sections of it to the roof rack with a computer mouse I kept as backup for my (confiscated) laptop. I found myself wondering who was going through the contents of my old laptop. I find my mind wandering a lot. I find myself thinking of deadlines and commitments made to people who no
longer matter. I struggle with how so suddenly people I used to care about, have probably already forgotten I was ever there.
As I play Call of Duty 3 on the enormo-screen in the basement (an amazingly therapeutic video game..as long as you mentally substitute all the Nazis for meek Human Resource Reps) I suddenly realize I need to let you both know how Day One went!
DAY TWO
4AM
Now I won’t sugar-coat this – I can hold my liquor. I wouldn’t exactly call it a skill-set, but its been really handy watching the casual drinkers around me tumble & fall, while I revel in 100% recall, and only marginal hangovers the morning after. So imagine my surprise when a single bottle of rose wine had me fumbling for the 500 mg Tylenols. Heed the label on this vino – stay away! She looks timid, but she is a fiendish woman!
9AM
Because I am unemployed now there seems little reason to force zack into bed while the sun still lingers on the horizon. So we now can stay up late, listen to music, and play with his fully automatic Nerf Machine Gun. This means he inevitably sleeps in, and I read the paper w a coffee. We bike to daycare after blueberry waffles, sporting big grins.
10AM
Holy fuck I’m doing laundry again!
Here’s how I see it though – I’m home, Maddy aint. If I plough through all the chores during the week, we have all sorts of extra time on the weekend for whatever we want to do.
I’m seriously considering cleaning the house myself, and Downsizing the Maids.
11AM
The neighbour’s four year old kid is a damn delinquent. When he isn’t throwing barbeque utensils over the fence into our pool, he is spinning all the pool heater dials on the side of our house. Like some crack-head captain of the Starship Enterprise, he will eventually figure out how to turn on the heater. His next stop will be the burn ward at Ajax Pickering Hospital. And then deadbeat-parents of Ricky, sue me into oblivion. Little Ricky is real close to being buried next to Bluey in our garden.
So I need to build a damn fence to keep said deliquent safe. Swell. Hey, at least this Home-Depot run wont be for another goddamn office fridge and double-sided tape for work related projects that don't matter anymore.
5PM
Shit. that took longer than expected. The toughest part was getting the eight foot lattice from the Home Depot to the house. I had some bungee cord in the truck, but ended up lashing some sections of it to the roof rack with a computer mouse I kept as backup for my (confiscated) laptop. I found myself wondering who was going through the contents of my old laptop. I find my mind wandering a lot. I find myself thinking of deadlines and commitments made to people who no
longer matter. I struggle with how so suddenly people I used to care about, have probably already forgotten I was ever there. 
About halfway through the Anti-Ricky-Fence-Project I take a break to pour a whisky, and sign the severance agreement. I become acutely aware of a pain in my jaw, as I clench my teeth, reading through the contents, once again.
In my peripheral I spot my trusty Daytimer on the coffee table. I grab it and throw it into the Recycle bin, when suddenly I realize that almost half of 2010 remains as a blank canvas, just
waiting to be filled with excitement. I might very well need that rudimentary scheduler. It felt good though, to rip out all the pages up to July 20, and throw them in the trash. Just look at all those diligently scribbled notes...ideas...to-do's.
In my peripheral I spot my trusty Daytimer on the coffee table. I grab it and throw it into the Recycle bin, when suddenly I realize that almost half of 2010 remains as a blank canvas, just
waiting to be filled with excitement. I might very well need that rudimentary scheduler. It felt good though, to rip out all the pages up to July 20, and throw them in the trash. Just look at all those diligently scribbled notes...ideas...to-do's. None of it matters at all anymore. I cant even look at the details as they tumble into the trash.
I have another task I scheduled today, one that for some reason I keep putting off. When they fired my boss, I knew they were coming for us, so I packed up my office into large blue Rubbermaid bins. Like a thief in the night I stole out of the office before the staff arrived for work that morning, with my blue bins on my dolly. I threw it all in the garage Friday night, but I need to go through it, and decide what to do with the contents. Maybe on Day Three.
7PM
Mister Mom has prepared a phenomenal porterhouse Steak w creamed horseradish, grilled zucchini, and roasted new potatoes on the BBQ. Zach had spring rolls and cucumber. Life aint too shabby.
Maddy got a couple hundred dollars worth of gift certificates for movies and dinners from her boss today, (while on a boat cruise) as recognition for something she and her team did recently. The juxtaposition between her work-life and mine, is really quite amusing when you think about it.
10PM
So everyone is asleep, and I’m figuring I’ll be heading to bed soon too. Working outside in the heat all day was a welcome change from my regular life, but equally exhausting.
7PM
Mister Mom has prepared a phenomenal porterhouse Steak w creamed horseradish, grilled zucchini, and roasted new potatoes on the BBQ. Zach had spring rolls and cucumber. Life aint too shabby.
Maddy got a couple hundred dollars worth of gift certificates for movies and dinners from her boss today, (while on a boat cruise) as recognition for something she and her team did recently. The juxtaposition between her work-life and mine, is really quite amusing when you think about it.10PM
So everyone is asleep, and I’m figuring I’ll be heading to bed soon too. Working outside in the heat all day was a welcome change from my regular life, but equally exhausting.
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